1. Keep calm because your baby will read you like a novel.
We were lucky to have a nurse help us during the first weeks of Ellie’s life. Ellie was often soothed by the baby nurse when she seemed inconsolable, even though I tried to mimic her soothing techniques. Sometimes I couldn’t figure out how she did it. Our nurse told us that babies can read people very well. You can’t keep calm if you’re not calm. As a first-time mom, I found it difficult to remain calm. This advice was very helpful. I would take a deep breathe, calm myself down, and pick Ellie up when she was crying. It was incredible to see how much faster she settled when I relaxed.
This advice has helped me in many parenting situations. When Ellie bumps her leg, she watches my reaction before reacting on her own. If I stay calm, so does she.
2. Remember these moments when you are going through a tough time.
It’s difficult to remember that these moments will be missed when you are in the thickest of newborn life and have been up all night trying to keep your sleepy but hungry baby awake for a feeding. It’s true. And so many mothers have told me that it will be. My daughter is now nine months old. She no longer needs to be rocked to sleep and sleeps all night. I miss her sleeping in my arms.
In a blink of an eyes, I will wonder where the time has gone. It seems like only yesterday she was five-minutes old. Then five-days old. And five-months old. Parenthood has its challenges, but it is hard to imagine you will miss them when you are in the middle of them. If you could talk to yourself in 10 years, you would likely tell “future-you” that you’ll miss these days.
3. Do not compare yourself or your baby to others. Do not compare yourself or your baby to other people.
There are many different parenting styles and different things work for different people. Some of my friends keep their babies to a rigid schedule, while others just let things happen. I have friends who began solids around four months old with purees, and others who did not start until six months with baby-led weening. I’ve spoken with women who co-sleep their babies, and others who put their newborns into their own cribs.
All this means that there is no one size fits all approach to parenting. This may seem obvious but it is always useful to remember. You’re not a terrible parent for letting your baby nap in a carrier rather than putting him into a crib, if it helps your child sleep. Even if you still feed your baby to fall asleep and decide that sleep training is not for you, you’re doing a great job! I enjoy talking to others about parenting and what works for me and Ellie. But I felt more confident once I stopped comparing.
4. Take help when it is offered.
I am not very good at accepting help. I pride myself on being independent and able to do things by myself. When people told me that I should accept help for the baby or household chores whenever it was offered, this didn’t feel like something that would apply to me.
This advice is vital, especially during the first few weeks of parenting when even the simplest tasks can feel overwhelming. If you’re expecting a child and someone offers to help, accept it! It could be a friend dropping off dinner to save you from cooking or your mother in law offering to hold your baby while you shower and blow-dry your hair. Accept help. It’s okay not to do everything. You don’t need to be a super hero. Accepting help doesn’t mean you are a bad mom.
5. Fed is the best! !
It’s a huge one. Today, it seems like women who don’t breastfeed are stigmatized. I am grateful to everyone who has reminded me of the importance of feeding, not breastfeeding.
It worked for me. It was also fun for me and my baby. That said, I realize now how physically and mentally demanding it is. Women have many reasons for not breastfeeding (or being unable to). No woman should have an excuse for choosing to use formula.
Before Ellie began sleeping through the night, I supplemented with formula to keep up with Ellie’s growing appetite while also giving myself more sleep. This worked well for us. Some of my friends breastfed their babies for an entire year, while others switched to formula. All of them have healthy, happy babies. No matter what you do, feeding your baby is the best thing to do!
6. It’s OK if your birth plan doesn’t work out.
As I approached the end of my pregnancies, many people asked about my plans and gave me advice. I don’t think I ever felt naked, but I did feel almost naked at times. But my favorite piece of advice was to be prepared to make changes to your plan if labor doesn’t go as planned. Knowing what to expect helped me prepare for the worst. The hospital asked my preferences, and took them into consideration. Since I knew that childbirth was out of my hands, I trusted my OB.
7. Grace yourself.
It’s something that I’m still constantly working on. In the first weeks following my birth, I felt like myself. I was tired and hormonal. My regular clothes were also too small. My nipples were hurting, I was bleeding and didn’t like how my body felt or looked. Still, I felt pressure to return to my normal routine.
Then I would tell myself that I should give myself grace, and not be so hard on myself. I would wear my pajamas to noon, instead of forcing myself into jeans. I’d order takeout rather than cooking dinner. I wouldn’t weigh myself, and I would stop worrying about the fact that my stomach was puffy from having a baby for nine months. At the beginning, I would constantly remind myself to do these things. This advice helped me to change my perspective: I wasn’t lazy…I just allowed myself time to recover and to figure out the new life of a mother.
8. There’s no need for all those high-tech, fancy baby products.
The first thing I heard when I announced that I was expecting was, “When are you due?” Second most popular question: Will you be getting the Snoo, a basinett with a clever (and expensive) sound and movement system that is supposed to help babies sleep. It’s just one of many high-tech and trendy products for babies that moms love. Sometimes it seems like the products are so hyped-up that you’re doing a disservice to your baby if you don’t buy them.
You don’t really need the latest smart baby monitor or digital changing pad. Try them out if you can afford it! Your baby will do just fine with good old-fashioned, classic toys. Ellie always chose colorful Fisher Price toys to the more expensive wooden Montesori toys. Yes, I did rent a Snoo. No, I am not convinced that it helped my baby sleep better.
9. Pack multiple outfits.
Ellie loves to poop when it’s the least convenient. Ellie will poop in the most inconvenient of places. For example, during the first 10 minutes of a car trip when she is supposed to be sleeping, or after we have sat down at a meal. Moms often talk about packing an extra set of clothes in the diaper bag. I found out the truth early on. We never leave home without Ellie’s change of clothing, just in case. It only happens when you are least prepared.
10. As a parent, you should never ignore your instinct.
I was talking to a woman about my mother’s own age at a baby shower. She told me that she always advises mothers to trust their gut instincts. Moms know their babies best, said she, don’t forget what you feel. When I brought Ellie from the hospital I would have been skeptical about this advice. Her cries were constant and I could not tell if she was hungry, tired or gassy. It was frightening and overwhelming to not know how to read my child.
After a few weeks, I was able to read her. I can understand what she wants instinctively, even though she cannot speak.